What does it mean to be a father?
“Any man can be a father, but not every father is a dad.” Being a father has changed meaning in so many ways for better and for worse over time, and the role has evolved into something much more than it used to be. Fathers were the sole providers, the disciplinarian and guardian, the overall ruler of the family. This has evolved to a point where the roles of both mother and father are somewhat blurred, where both are provider and the emotional support. The change in the expectations these days can leave men wondering where exactly they fit in today's society and it’s clear to see that many men have lost their purpose.
Being a dad, or any parent for that matter, is a very daunting task. It is especially more difficult if you aim to be the “best” parent to your children. You often devote more time, more energy, sacrifice more and attempt feats not short of a miracle, just to show up for your child. Over the short term, this is manageable, however over an extended period of time, can lead to ongoing pressures and stress. Dad’s and even men’s struggles are often hidden from view (many times not noticed until they depart from this world). From previous generations we are taught to be that rock for those around you. Real men don’t cry. Men aren’t weak. We don’t suffer from mental health issues or any such ailments. As we know clearly the bane of all men (as I’m sure most women will attest to) is the man flu. All jokes aside, because as men we often bottle things up and do not let out any doubts or negativity, this can lead to overwhelming negative thoughts that turn to very dark thoughts eventually manifesting as issues like substance abuse or suicide (outlets). I believe part of this is the way men have lost their place in society. Growing up we were “abused” and “bullied” being teased about any flaws we had amongst friends. In such an environment, it was harsh truth blended in with a trusted source and although not always taken on board, it carried weight. Such things spurred changes in people, to get in shape, to get smarter, to dress or smell better, or just to even smile. Recognition of issues is the first step to change, if you are unaware of an issue how can you change?
Finding balance is something society is more aware of these days in many ways. Work-life balance is a non-negotiable. Mental health is something that has however fallen to the wayside, especially in men. Finding balance in family can be as simple as a discussion with your significant other to help them understand the pressures you are feeling and the need for perhaps more time alone or to not be disturbed as soon as you return home. Little changes can amount to big mood changes which are then reciprocated throughout the family. I strongly believe when people are happier, it is contagious and spreads through their behaviour to those around them. Men can often feel confused with mixed messages these days. “I like a man who can be vulnerable”, “I need a man with emotional intelligence”, yet when he shows his emotions and vulnerability in front of them, he is emasculated.
I am a firm believer in the old traditional way of thinking, with a slight updated twist. Men should be real men, we are built (biologically) as the “hunter/gatherer” aka the provider. That’s not to say a woman cannot provide, we are just more physically capable, at least from a physical standpoint towards primordial lifestyles. What has changed in the way of thinking? Men are simply lost. Why can we not strive to the be our best, for friendly competition amongst each other or even collaboration to achieve our best? Anytime a man shows signs of old school mentality in being that “manly man” he is labelled as toxically masculine. I ask this question in return. If you were to pick a partner, the whole solution, usually the female (following her biological nature) is going to pick the mate that yields the strongest offspring, as nature intended. Generally, this will be the man who seems the most physically capable, usually also the richest or most set up (having all the necessities; a house, a car, etc). I beg the question, what is wrong with a man aiming to be masculine?
Fatherhood is (as parenthood is) an extremely challenging and exponentially fulfilling role. One that must be navigated both internally and externally to ensure the most positive experience. I firmly believe there is never a “right time” to have kids, however when they come into the picture, you will do anything possible to make it work. Through our kids, we as parents, evolve and really reach the next stage of our growth.
